Addicted to Love? Love thyself.

Love is an evergreen topic for literature, movies, songs, and research. This is because we all crave it, give it, and receive it in different shapes and sizes.

But what is love? What is healthy love?

Many of us create "Love Stories": tales we tell ourselves (and others) about someone we have fallen in lust for. Lust is driven by testosterone and oestrogen, but romantic love can develop from it through repeat exposure and increased intimacy, that cause the activation of the dopamine reward system; then it becomes a delusion and an addiction. In "Why We Love", Helen Fisher writes: 

Take dopamine. 

Elevated levels of dopamine in the brain produce extremely focused attention, 

as well as unwavering motivation and goal-directed behaviours. 

These are central characteristics of romantic love. 

Lovers intensely focus on the beloved, often to the exclusion of all around them. 

Indeed, they concentrate so relentlessly on the positive qualities of the adored one 

that they easily overlook his or her negative traits; 

they even dote on specific events and objects shared with this sweetheart.

So the first truth to come to terms with is that romantic love is based on the release of a chemical that has been associated with addiction and psychosis, thus it triggers obsessive thinking, unhealthy choices, and a break from reality. Romantic love is neither a healthy nor a sustainable modality of love.

But it feels good. Like drugs do. 

Ok. So once we know this, what can we do to direct our behaviour towards healthy love?

Know thyself (γνῶθι σεαυτόν, transliterated: gnōthi seauton) - this is one of the Delphic maxims and was the first of three maxims inscribed in the pronaos (forecourt) of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. 

Know yourself: this can be interpreted in many ways. The most supported way to know oneself is to do so from within, and in the present. 

We sometimes make the mistake of embarking on a journey of self-discovery by creating a list of qualities and labels that define us. This is a dangerous idea, as it means we are binding ourselves to specific definitions. For example, if "I am athletic" is one of the ways I define myself, what will happen once I grow old or lose my physical strength due to illness or injury? Will I cease to exist?

This is a valid point also for qualities that we attribute to personality. If I am "kind" does it mean that when I am cranky or get angry I am betraying my true self? 

The second mistake is to define oneself by ones past or ones ambitions for the future. Both these concepts don't truly exist: we are not capable of remembering the past accurately (look at Elizabeth Loftus' work on false memory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB2OegI6wvI) and the future is to all unknown. 

Some ways to truly get to know yourself:

- practise meditation

- keep a journal

- zoom in and out of yourself to see how you are from the outside and from the inside - what stays the same from all angles?

- find out what (not who) you love doing and are good at doing (look at the idea of Flow developed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihály)

- explore your core values using the ACT Wheel of Life

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF THE PRIORITY!!!

Once you get to know yourself, you will fall in love yourself: in the social penetration theory (SPT) Altman and Taylor show that relationship development occurs primarily through self-disclosure, or intentionally revealing personal information such as personal motives, desires, feelings, thoughts, and experiences [to others]. 

Self self-disclosure is the only possible way to develop a meaningful relationship with anyone else, and also has the advantage of making you able to feed your addiction to love with your love for yourself!