Plus ça change...

...plus c'est la même chose.

This epigram is attributed to Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, a former teacher who became editor of Le Figaro in 1839, and is usually translated as "the more things change, the more they stay the same".

A classic example is New Year's Resolutions: we will eat less, do more exercise, assert ourselves more, get that new job/partner/hobby... EVERY YEAR these appear on our lists!

But what is change?

Change can be triggered by the awareness of some dissatisfaction, resulting in the perception of need, responded to with action.

The Cycle of Change model suggests that we can fulfil our needs by engaging in a full cycle of contact with the world – moving from a state of arousal, to awareness, to motivation, action, full contact and finally a state of withdrawal and rest.

Is it a change in behaviour? In status? In looks? In emotions? In relationships? In thinking patterns?

All of the above? Some of the above? Does it ever end? (Hint: the diagram is a circle, not a line!).

The philosopher Heraclitus was most famous for his insistence on ever-present change, or flux or becoming, as the characteristic feature of the world, as stated in the famous saying, "No man ever steps in the same river twice" as well as "Panta rhei", everything flows.

Change is, therefore, intrinsic to the state of the world, due to the inevitable passing of time.

Unique to the human condition, however, what stays the same is our eternal state of change seeking: unaware or excessively aware of this state of ever-changing and passing of time, we look for ways to make changes that are tangible and visible.

The language we use to describe this state matters: striving, ambition, quest, growth trigger responses that will differ from words such as dissatisfaction, incompleteness, anguish, need.

Change can be a waltz, where we enjoy dancing around in circles.

Change can be like fishing: we relish the wait as much as the catch, and perhaps once we catch the fish we release it back into the water because we don't need it.

Change can also be like running from a hungry shark: necessary for our survival.

Knowing the difference between action and reaction, recognising whether it is simply neophilia (the desire for something new) guiding our desire for extra change or whether it is the circumstances that make the lack of change a danger to our health, can inform our actions, feelings, motivation, sense of urgency. 

Using the appropriate language to make these distinctions and describe the type of change we are currently seeking might also help.

Change is in our nature, and how we change is in our hands.

A call to inaction.

Lazy, underachiever, immature, irresponsible, non-committal, inefficient, mean, unhelpful, selfish, difficult.

As many words are, these are sounds that have been assigned one or more layers of meaning to enable one human being to obtain a response from another. Often the purpose of using these nouns and adjectives is to manipulate. 

We have learned, over the years, to respond to certain words with feelings and behaviours: "you are lazy" often triggers feelings of shame, and sadness, maybe anger... And what behaviours? Often, more or less reluctantly, doing something. Or even less. Still, not perhaps what we would have done had we not be defined as "lazy".

When we are told we are "mean" we might feel less worthy [than others, of love...], think we matter less in this world, or we are doing more damage than good. Maybe we will try to be "nicer" to compensate. Or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and we will get even "meaner", deliberately this time.

There are three major issues with these words.

1) We mistake them for the truth

2) We identify with them permanently, as part of our identity

3) We often speak them to ourselves

So, when these words are uttered, the first thing to do is: nothing.

Say nothing, think nothing, do nothing. 

Practise ἐποχή (epokhē): "suspension of judgement" or "withholding of assent". The Pyrrhonists argue that suspending judgement where there is no empirical evidence will induce a state of ataraxia (freedom from worry and anxiety).

Since words are socially constructed, loaded with a personal history of personal experience, and often accompanied by nonverbal cues that attribute further meaning... They are NOT FACTS.

When you hear words that are pushing you to change your behaviour, your choices, and the way you interact with the world, don't ignore, don't obey, don't worry: do nothing.

Doing nothing will create the space to gather empirical evidence to inform our decisions.

Doing nothing will make space in our minds to make sense of events and interactions lucidly and as objectively as humanly possible. 

Doing nothing will calm your nervous system.

Doing nothing will regulate your emotions.

Doing nothing will stop you from doing something you might regret.

Just try, next time: do less, do less, do less, do nothing.

Addicted to Love? Love thyself.

Love is an evergreen topic for literature, movies, songs, and research. This is because we all crave it, give it, and receive it in different shapes and sizes.

But what is love? What is healthy love?

Many of us create "Love Stories": tales we tell ourselves (and others) about someone we have fallen in lust for. Lust is driven by testosterone and oestrogen, but romantic love can develop from it through repeat exposure and increased intimacy, that cause the activation of the dopamine reward system; then it becomes a delusion and an addiction. In "Why We Love", Helen Fisher writes: 

Take dopamine. 

Elevated levels of dopamine in the brain produce extremely focused attention, 

as well as unwavering motivation and goal-directed behaviours. 

These are central characteristics of romantic love. 

Lovers intensely focus on the beloved, often to the exclusion of all around them. 

Indeed, they concentrate so relentlessly on the positive qualities of the adored one 

that they easily overlook his or her negative traits; 

they even dote on specific events and objects shared with this sweetheart.

So the first truth to come to terms with is that romantic love is based on the release of a chemical that has been associated with addiction and psychosis, thus it triggers obsessive thinking, unhealthy choices, and a break from reality. Romantic love is neither a healthy nor a sustainable modality of love.

But it feels good. Like drugs do. 

Ok. So once we know this, what can we do to direct our behaviour towards healthy love?

Know thyself (γνῶθι σεαυτόν, transliterated: gnōthi seauton) - this is one of the Delphic maxims and was the first of three maxims inscribed in the pronaos (forecourt) of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. 

Know yourself: this can be interpreted in many ways. The most supported way to know oneself is to do so from within, and in the present. 

We sometimes make the mistake of embarking on a journey of self-discovery by creating a list of qualities and labels that define us. This is a dangerous idea, as it means we are binding ourselves to specific definitions. For example, if "I am athletic" is one of the ways I define myself, what will happen once I grow old or lose my physical strength due to illness or injury? Will I cease to exist?

This is a valid point also for qualities that we attribute to personality. If I am "kind" does it mean that when I am cranky or get angry I am betraying my true self? 

The second mistake is to define oneself by ones past or ones ambitions for the future. Both these concepts don't truly exist: we are not capable of remembering the past accurately (look at Elizabeth Loftus' work on false memory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB2OegI6wvI) and the future is to all unknown. 

Some ways to truly get to know yourself:

- practise meditation

- keep a journal

- zoom in and out of yourself to see how you are from the outside and from the inside - what stays the same from all angles?

- find out what (not who) you love doing and are good at doing (look at the idea of Flow developed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihály)

- explore your core values using the ACT Wheel of Life

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF THE PRIORITY!!!

Once you get to know yourself, you will fall in love yourself: in the social penetration theory (SPT) Altman and Taylor show that relationship development occurs primarily through self-disclosure, or intentionally revealing personal information such as personal motives, desires, feelings, thoughts, and experiences [to others]. 

Self self-disclosure is the only possible way to develop a meaningful relationship with anyone else, and also has the advantage of making you able to feed your addiction to love with your love for yourself!